I Confess.

As I have been packing up my house for yet another move (number 7 in the last 6 years), I find myself reflecting on this idea of a "start over" in the game of life. I live a charmed life, it's true. Happily married to my bestest friend, two amazing little people I'm honored to have call me "mommy", a great support system of friends and family, and a pretty good grasp on what life is all about. But knowing that last tidbit, and having it reflect constantly in my actions...I struggle. I yell too much. I'm short-tempered. I'm disagreeable over things that don't matter. I let meaningless details distract me from the "big picture". My biggest, and most destructive, downfall is stretching myself too thin. I think I do it to feel needed. But that doesn't make sense either, because WHAT or WHO could need love and gentleness and attention more than the man who works his life away to support and provide, or a couple little souls who need constant nourishment for their incredible minds, beautiful (and energetic....ha!)bodies, and sweet, sweet spirits? I've said "No, I'm busy" way more often than I've said "Yes, I'd love to do that for/with you". I've spent more time on the computer than I have loving my children on purpose. I say on purpose, because it's easy to confuse the routine "I do this because I love you" with "I do this because it's my duty"...change diapers, fix meals, get them dressed, take them with me on errands, make it to a park occasionally, get out the paper and crayons so they can draw pictures...But to actually spend TIME with my babies, doing things to teach them, stimulate their growth....this is going to be new for me. I want to play dress-up and make-believe. I want to draw WITH them. I want to teach them songs. How to tie shoelaces. Build something with legos. Be crafty. I'm not going to knock myself too hard, because I know it's a process. Evaluate, change. Evaluate, change some more. Climb higher. Tweak the steps to reach the goal. SET goals. So that is where I'll start. Goals. My goal is to be happy. Because if I can be happy, I can make those around me happy. And if there was one word that I'd like people to describe me in at the end of my life, it would be "She was happy". Not the fake-it-til-ya-make-it kind, or short-lived...but the kind that makes me want to burst. Eyes sparkle. The kind that makes my family want to be near me, because my happiness is infectious. There are a lot of changes that need to happen in order for this to be achieved, but the biggest, and hardest decision is made. That is to focus. Focus on my role as mommy over everything else. It's a hard thing to give up making money. Give up helping to monetarily support our family. But honestly, that is the last "support" we need to worry about, because I know with all of my heart that we are not in this alone. I hold to the promise that the Lord takes care of His own. And I want nothing more than to be just that. His own. I know what He expects of me, and I know what to expect in return. An easy life, right? lol Hardly. It's when life gets hard that I realize how much I matter to Him. He is only trying to mold me into the best me I can be. And sometimes it hurts. I also know that what he expects of me is not necessarily what he expects of any other person. That is why He is the Judge, and we are not. He can see the "big picture", where, even if we get a glimpse, we generally only have the capacity to see where we fit in, or our small circle on influence. Trust. Trust in the Lord, and be still. As far as a list goes for the goal setting, it looks something like this: 1) Close my teaching studio. 2) Quit facebook. It's an illusion, making me think I matter to all these different people, when really I'm ignoring the people who matter the most. It's mindless, addicting, and I have too much of a tendency to try to be what others think I should be, instead of being true to myself. I take full blame for this. It's a personality flaw. lol. But facebook fosters it. 3) Meal plan. Food makes the world go 'round :) I know it's a far-fetched dream, but I dream for mealtime to be an exciting, wonderful time of day, every time. Not go into panic mode when the kids start saying they're hungry and you realize they need food NOW, because they're already cranky, and there is no time to whip up a masterpiece in the next 5 minutes. Peanut butter and jelly it is. 4) Laugh with my kids every single day and show them I love them in everything I do. 5) Wake up before my kids. That way I'm ready for them :) 6) Exercise. There is just no excuse not to do this. Especially when I still have a napper. I will feel better, be stronger, and function better at everything I do. My body loves exercise, and with all the things I do to it, the least I can do is give back by exercising. And that is where I'll end this little post of mine...since it's almost 2am! lol Hubby is gone on a canoe trip. First night without him is always the hardest to crawl into that bed alone :( I'm expecting a lot out of myself, starting this blog again. But I feel confident that I'll actually keep up on it this time. Big changes happening! :D