So much uncertainty... So exciting! :)

I'm taking Neal to the airport tomorrow at 4:30am to catch a one-way flight to Salt Lake City. No, he's not leaving me for good :) He's going for some business/web training and a couple of interviews. It's REALLY crazy, because by next week, things could be so incredibly different!!! If he gets a job, and someone wants him to start immediately, he will. And I'll be single-momming it for a month. Which would be really, super hard, but I think I would survive.

I've been feeling amazing lately. I almost feel like something's wrong with me, that I can go from so sad and unmotivated to being crazy excited about life and all its possibilities. I can actually pin point the change to a certain situation, though, so I don't think I'm bi-polar :D Let's just say I feel that I have made some huge strides in the "growing up" department lately, and understanding/accepting the things I CAN change, vs. the things I WANT to, but CAN'T change.

That's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to keep you updated, and I'll see how happy I can stay with my hubby being gone for and undetermined amount of time :(


This was me, 3 1/2 years ago! :)

Depression

Depression is a funny thing, in a not-so-funny way.

It makes me not want to do anything, but then I get more depressed when nothing gets done. I know I have a wonderful husband who loves me infinitely; a daughter who is more-or-less the most beautiful and interesting thing that has ever walked the earth; a job doing something I love; and a knowledge and understanding of certain spiritual things that many people live their whole lives without.

So I ask myself regularly, WHY do I get depressed so much?

It is definitely in my family, no doubt about it. And I suffered a childhood of it's unchecked-effects in my mother. I speculate that she also did growing up, especially with her parents' divorce when she was 13. So is it hereditary? I don't know if it's necessarily "in my genes", but I do believe it is an automatic, learned response. The only way I ever saw things dealt with. Get mad. Shut down. Cry a lot. Don't talk to anyone except to yell and scream and bully your kids. And most ESPECIALLY, don't let anyone know you are having a hard time, because that is showing your weakness, and you're not allowed to have any. You must be perfect at all times.
Well, I've tried that...and it's depressingly impossible. So guess what everyone? I get depressed. And it feels really, really good to say that.

On top of that, however, this "knowledge" is sometimes depressing too. It has the potential and capacity to bring utter joy, peace, and personal comfort, but with it comes the pain of seeing those who need it either reject it, misuse it, or both. And when something means the world to me, and makes my heart spontaneously burst with happiness on a regular basis, I want all the people that I love to experience it as well. But then I hear, "It's not for me." Or, on the flip side of that, confess to knowing and believing the same things that I do, then acting hypocritically. That breaks my heart more than the first.

For example, imagine someone teaching you one day a week that you are important; unique; special; and that they love you very much. Then for the next six days, they call you lazy; worthless; stupid; then they hit you and scream in your ear; call you a liar. Which of these are you prone to believe? Most would probably get a really twisted sense of the word "love" and its connotations.

Huh. So much to ponder. But I think I am going to get through this.

Bank Account

This is AWESOME ... something we should all remember.
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each
morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved
perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After
many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled
sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description
of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just
been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful
for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
I am still depositing.
'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred..
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans