So much uncertainty... So exciting! :)

I'm taking Neal to the airport tomorrow at 4:30am to catch a one-way flight to Salt Lake City. No, he's not leaving me for good :) He's going for some business/web training and a couple of interviews. It's REALLY crazy, because by next week, things could be so incredibly different!!! If he gets a job, and someone wants him to start immediately, he will. And I'll be single-momming it for a month. Which would be really, super hard, but I think I would survive.

I've been feeling amazing lately. I almost feel like something's wrong with me, that I can go from so sad and unmotivated to being crazy excited about life and all its possibilities. I can actually pin point the change to a certain situation, though, so I don't think I'm bi-polar :D Let's just say I feel that I have made some huge strides in the "growing up" department lately, and understanding/accepting the things I CAN change, vs. the things I WANT to, but CAN'T change.

That's about all I have to say for now. I'll try to keep you updated, and I'll see how happy I can stay with my hubby being gone for and undetermined amount of time :(


This was me, 3 1/2 years ago! :)

Depression

Depression is a funny thing, in a not-so-funny way.

It makes me not want to do anything, but then I get more depressed when nothing gets done. I know I have a wonderful husband who loves me infinitely; a daughter who is more-or-less the most beautiful and interesting thing that has ever walked the earth; a job doing something I love; and a knowledge and understanding of certain spiritual things that many people live their whole lives without.

So I ask myself regularly, WHY do I get depressed so much?

It is definitely in my family, no doubt about it. And I suffered a childhood of it's unchecked-effects in my mother. I speculate that she also did growing up, especially with her parents' divorce when she was 13. So is it hereditary? I don't know if it's necessarily "in my genes", but I do believe it is an automatic, learned response. The only way I ever saw things dealt with. Get mad. Shut down. Cry a lot. Don't talk to anyone except to yell and scream and bully your kids. And most ESPECIALLY, don't let anyone know you are having a hard time, because that is showing your weakness, and you're not allowed to have any. You must be perfect at all times.
Well, I've tried that...and it's depressingly impossible. So guess what everyone? I get depressed. And it feels really, really good to say that.

On top of that, however, this "knowledge" is sometimes depressing too. It has the potential and capacity to bring utter joy, peace, and personal comfort, but with it comes the pain of seeing those who need it either reject it, misuse it, or both. And when something means the world to me, and makes my heart spontaneously burst with happiness on a regular basis, I want all the people that I love to experience it as well. But then I hear, "It's not for me." Or, on the flip side of that, confess to knowing and believing the same things that I do, then acting hypocritically. That breaks my heart more than the first.

For example, imagine someone teaching you one day a week that you are important; unique; special; and that they love you very much. Then for the next six days, they call you lazy; worthless; stupid; then they hit you and scream in your ear; call you a liar. Which of these are you prone to believe? Most would probably get a really twisted sense of the word "love" and its connotations.

Huh. So much to ponder. But I think I am going to get through this.

Bank Account

This is AWESOME ... something we should all remember.
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each
morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved
perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After
many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled
sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description
of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just
been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful
for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day
and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
account of memories!
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
I am still depositing.
'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred..
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans

Thoughts

I read a very stirring presentation by the amazing Dallin H. Oaks that he gave to a group of BYU students about our religious freedoms being threatened. With all the "threats" out there today of war, economic collapse, nuclear attack, etc., it's refreshing to have a source that you can really identify with and say, "If this man says it's a threat, then you KNOW he knows." Thus the importance of continuing revelation.

The entire presentation has a link on the lds.org homepage right now, but the part that fueled my fire were the comments about the Proposition 8 in California. A pro-gay rights spokesperson said this about our Church's position on marriage: “I’m not intending it to harm the religion. I think they do wonderful things. Nicest people. . . . My single goal is to get them out of the same-sex marriage business and back to helping hurricane victims.”


This was on my mind this morning as I was driving, and I saw a firetruck parked near a home. There was no fire, and i'm not sure what their purpose was at that moment, but the scene that flashed through my mind was kind of a Sesame Street type....when the fireman is rescuing a kitten from a tree for the distressed old lady.


The analogy came immediately afterwards: what this man was asking us, as a church, to do, is like asking the firemen to stop trying to put out fires, and rescue more kittens.

Bahamas Trip

We made it back!! Had a great time on our quick little cruise and one day in Nassau, Bahamas. Went to Paradise Island and saw the Atlantis resort, took a fun little van tour across all of New Providence, got to go on a semi-submarine out to a couple of reefs, then, of course, there was all the funness of the cruise ship!! Pools, water slide, music, comedians, and LOTS of free food! (I gained 5 pounds in 3 days :D )


Here are some pics!

Silly old men

I went to get gas this morning and pulled up at the same time as a cute old man (we're talking like 75). He smiled at me and followed me into the store. I gave the cashier my $25 (trying to stick to a cash system---no more credit and minimize debit), went back out and began pumping. The gentleman came out a minute later, saw my license plate and said "Wyoming, huh?" I smiled and just gave a "Yeah :)" Then he said, "You're no bigger than a minute, but sure are adorable." I'm sure my face lit up, I gave a little laugh and said thanks. He wished me a good day and waved goodbye as he drove off.

These little moments just make my day. But they are also the thing that make it hard for me to ever visualize, or think of myself as an adult, a grown up. So much of the time I feel like a 35 year old, stuck in a 14 year-old's body.

I haven't really been adversely affected by it yet I think, except that it's hard to feel like I could ever be a role model for anyone over the age of 12. I don't think people see me and think of me as the strong, independent, mature person that I want to be known as. It's more like a surprise when I do something mature, because I feel like I'm only compared to teenagers. Or maybe that's only what I perceive. And I do very much believe that my perception can be extremely warped. Not sure how to fix something like that.

Oh well. I need to go read or something. My house is clean, my dishes done, my laundry caught up, we're all packed for our trip, my baby's sleeping, and my husband is out teaching with the missionaries. I've never felt so at a loss for something I SHOULD be doing!! :D And I L.O.V.E. it!

Bahamas jitters :)

I am SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOO excited for Monday! We board our cruise ship at 1:00pm, spend Tuesday in Nassau, and Wednesday cruise back. It'll be quick, but it will be amazing. In one year, and before her 2nd birthday, Delia will have been to Washington, DC, Arequipa, Camana, Puno, Ollantaytambo, Machu Picchu, and Cuzco,Peru, and the Bahamas :) Not to mention her two trips to Wyoming. Quite the world traveler already! I'm hoping to instill a passion for exploration :D There are just FAR too many amazing things to see in this world. Next on the agenda are Canada (specifically Abraham Lake in Alberta), the pyramids in Cairo, Egypt, and Switzerland. :)